It’s Time to Work Out Your ‘But'

If you want to communicate effectively as a leader (or, as anyone, really) you may need to work out your 'but'.

I’m referring to our use of the word ‘but’ when we convey our messages. In particular, articulating reasons why we personally can’t, don’t or won’t do something, and in delivering feedback to others.

Consider feedback from a Manager to an employee: “You did a great job with that project, but I’d like to see you manage your time better”. These points are not opposing. One can need to manage one’s time better and do a great job. The employee, however, is more likely to focus on the criticism to the exclusion of obvious praise.

Order also matters. In the above example, it seems the primary reason for feedback is to tell the employee their time management needs work. The Manager can change the order of feedback: “I’d like to see you manage your time better, but you did a great job with that project”. Providing feedback in this order implies the main intent of the feedback is to credit the employee with doing a great job.

One only needs google Game of Thrones“everything before the word but” memes to know this is a commonly felt perception. Order matters.

As coaches, we often listen to the words clients are using, words which can provide clues to the client’s underlying perception of an issue. When clients use the word ‘but’, it is a flag for further exploration. A client who says they want to do great projects, but can’t seem to manage their time, is a client who sees these two events as mutually exclusive; time management must be resolved in order to do great projects.

Why is the use of the word ‘but’ so fraught with misunderstanding?

My research has led me down the deep and convoluted rabbit hole of Linguistics. 'But’ can be used in a number of different ways. Ways that make sense and imply the meaning we intend.

To illustrate: “I arrived at the show, with everything but my tickets”. In this instance, ‘but’ does not negate the prior statement and, these two events, arriving at the show and forgetting one’s tickets, can occur together. Here, ‘but’ means ‘except’. ‘But’ refers to the exclusion of the tickets, not the exclusion of arriving at the show.

Where we seem to get muddled is in its use linking two events, with ‘but’ indicating contrast. Not necessarily exclusivity, but contrast. For example, “I liked the show, but I’ve seen better”, or “She went to the show, but I didn’t”. Each event can occur: we can still like a show even if we’ve seen others we like more, and she can still go to the show without me.

When it comes to personal advice or feedback, why does 'but' create misunderstandings? Why are we perceiving events meant to simply contrast to some degree, as impossible to co-exist? Why are we perceiving what is meant to be an exception, to be the rule?

I recently discussed this with Sarah Fletcher, a PhD candidate in Linguistics, and Head Success Coach at AIM Business School. “Mistakes creep into our language and become normalised over time”, she says. "Using the word ‘but’ was probably not meant to cancel out what came before it. It has evolved". Perhaps our ability to understand two points of contrast, versus two incompatable points, is a subtlety that we’ve lost.

Assumptions are also critical. When “I arrived at the show, with everything but my tickets”, the word ‘but’ actually can negate the first point simply by the listener assuming I won’t gain entry to the show without my tickets. This is not what the sentence says; it is what we, as the listener, has assumed. Think of the myriad of assumptions each of us has, and how that might play into the receipt (and giving) of feedback.

Closely related to our assumptions are our subconscious biases: Our beliefs reinforce the information we are drawn to (“I knew my manager would think I’m poor at managing my time”); we can also see things one way or the other, in absolute categories (“It's not possible do have done a good job on the project if my time management needs work”); and we pay more attention to negative events, tend to dwell on them more than positive events and feel them more acutely.

Another key issue is the failure to spend time conveying meaningful information. It is not enough to provide feedback on a job well done with a half-sentence. Exploring why the job was well done, specifically, is memorable and impactful. Exploring time management issues separately, co-existing with a good job, will have better results. Business becomes busy-ness, and we often don’t make the time to deliver feedback appropriately.

So, what can we do?

Thankfully, we don't need to be Linguistic experts to work out our ‘but’. (Although the research has been fascinating). Following are three steps we can take to ensure what we mean to say is not derailed by this three-letter word:

1. Take time for feedback and the delivery of information

Be sure to understand what it is you’re trying to convey. Do you really need to focus on time management if the employee did a great job? If so, create a “pause” between these pieces of feedback. Using a coaching style can minimise the risk of negating great feedback and flow-on benefits. Don’t spend more time on something less important. If, on the receiving end, take time to digest and clarify.

2. Familiarise yourself with possible assumptions and biases

Familiarise yourself with some of the common cognitive biases at play as both a giver and receiver of information. Confirmation Bias, Negativity Bias and All-or-Nothing thinking are good places to start. Revisit Argyris’ Ladder of Inference – it reminds us of the complicated processes our mind undertakes when making decisions about information we are considering. Awareness is a great tool.

3. Practice saying things differently

If using the word ‘but’ in a given sentence is likely to lead your listener to hear something you’re not meaning to say, practice ways to fix this, before you meet up. I’ve seen some writers advocating the use of “and”, which can work well; it can also be awkward, depending on the context. Practice its use and see whether it helps convey your meaning. Revisit the order in which you convey information - perhaps your meaning is better received if the order is changed. Don’t be tempted to replace “but” with “however”, it often has a similar effect.

These techniques are helpful not only in the delivery or receipt of feedback, but in gaining clarity on our personal goals. If you want to do great projects, but can’t seem to manage your time, examine why you are using the word ‘but’? Take time to fully discuss this with yourself, leader or coach. Question your assumptions. Understand your potential biases. Ask, "is there a different way I can say this”? A new way of articulating your beliefs may lead you to a better understanding of potential roadblocks in achieving your goals.

In summary, ‘but' is a useful word when it conveys what we want it to. Unfortunately, this is often not the case. 1) Take time for feedback, 2) Understand assumptions and biases, and 3) Practice saying things differently. These three exercises will help you work out your ‘but’.

Janine Joyce

BPsych, MOrgCoach

thinkfrank

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